You've Got to be Mental!
by cappyandpashy4ever
Summary: The hams take in a retarded, wacko hamster. Really really funny and random. You know what they say, don't judge a story by its lousy summary! Please Review! Don't even think about dissin my story! No flamers or i will hunt you down. Im serious.
1. Blueberry Pie

You've got to be mental!

Chapter One: Blueberry Pie!

_Hamelina_

_Dressed in green-a_

_Went upstairs to kiss the Dean-a_

_Accidentally _

_Kissed a kitty_

_How many sessions_

_Did she spend_

_In therapy?_

_1!_

_2!_

_3!_

The lovely ladies of the clubhouse were enjoying a lovely game of lovely double dutch. Unfortunately, after three, Penelope stumbled.

"Good game, Peo!" Pashmina praised her.

"My turn!" Sandy yelled. Bijou and Penelope took the ropes and Pashmina and Pepper stood by, ready to chant.

_Hamalulu_

_Dressed in blue-ooo_

_Went to the station to _

_Catch a choo-choo_

_Nabbed the top bunk_

_In the bottom was a skunk_

_How many times did she blow her chunks?_

_1!_

_2!_

_3..._

Sandy got up to three thousand nine hundred twenty one when finally, she collapsed.

"Need… food!" whispered Sandy, lying on the floor.

"Ya'll have come to the right place!" Dexter said from nowhere. "Especially you, my little lotus flower." He muttered to Pashmina, patting her on the shoulder. Pashmina avoided his eyes, but allowed herself to be scooted into the kitchen. A buffet of bright colored food met their eyes. Unfortunately, the colors seemed to be to hide the hideous taste. Pepper bit into a sunny orange cake and spat it out soon afterwards.

"EWWWW!" she squealed. Dexter started to sweat.

"Well, everyone has different tastes, I guess." He said, turning puce. "Pashmina, wouldn't you like to sample a seed puff?" He held out a hot pink puff of what looked like half a dead beetle.

"Oh, err, um, I'm not really hungry, thanks anyway, Howdy." She responded.

"Are you at least hungry enough to try a slice of my delicious pie?" Dexter called from the kitchen table. "Blueberry, cherry, take your pick!" Dexter smirked as the girls sped over to his table.

"Did you say pie?" Oxnard and the boys scurried into the room and started to devour the pie. Howdy looked livid.

KNOCK! KNOCK! A large sound was heard from the door. Maxwell went to answer the door and came back with a brown lump on his shoulders. The lump yelled "pie!" and leaped off Maxwell's shoulders and onto Boss's lap.

"Maxwell, your growth is eating my pie!" Boss yelled.

"What is that?" Pashmina squealed, pointing at the bazaar brown ham, now covered in pumpkin pie.

"He says his name's Pretzel. He just jumped onto my back and he won't leave." Maxwell explained.

"He probably stopped by for a bite to eat." Hamtaro exclaimed. "While he's here, we should feed him!"

"Hey, little guy!" Pepper said to Pretzel. "What kind of pie do you like?"

"_I like blueberry pie." _Pretzel said in a demented voice. Oxnard went to fetch a slice.

"_Why you get blueberry pie? I like cherry pie!" _Pretzel yelled, tossing the pie at the wall where the plate shattered.

"That's no way to act!" Dexter said to the guest.

"_Neither is this!" _Pretzel screamed, flinging himself onto Stan's back.

"Get him off me!" Stan yelled, attempting to shake him off. Pretzel hopped off right into the blueberry pie.

"_I like blueberry pie!" _Pretzel exclaimed, stuffing as much pie as humanly possible into his mouth.

"THAT'S IT!" Cappy screamed, grabbing Pretzel and pulling him to the door.

"_I like cauliflower!" _Pretzel said, cross-eyed, as he was shoved out the door. The doorbell rang in the next second.

"He's not leaving is he?" Sandy asked.

"I'm afraid not." Maxwell said, opening the door and letting Pretzel in again.

"He can sleep in my room." Panda volunteered.

The hams brought him over to Panda's room and shoved him into bed. Just to be safe, they stapled the sheets down.

"_Yams, yams, yams!" _Pretzel chanted as the hams snuck out the door.

"We will have to keep him here until we find his family." Maxwell announced. The hams sighed.

"_Lemon, lemon, lemon!" _The hams heard Pretzel yell from the room.

"Note to self" Panda whispered. "Get stronger staples." And he pelted after the others to finish their pie, with screams of _"Ketchup, ketchup" i_n the background.


	2. Nami

Chapter 2: Nami

"Hey Max, do you know where Panda is?" Pashmina asked Maxwell the next morning. "He promised to make Penelope and me a new bunk bed!"

"Oakwee!" Penelope yelled excitedly.

"Panda went to the ham-ware store." Maxwell confirmed. "Something about buying staples." Pashmina and Penelope walked away disappointedly.

The hams all met in the kitchen to eat breakfast. They were halfway done with their seed tarts when a furry green blur erupted from the door and zoomed into the kitchen. Ugh, Pretzel.

"Hey! That's my spare hat!" Cappy yelled at Pretzel, snatching the hat away.

"WAHHHHH!" Pretzel sobbed, trying desperately to reach the cap that Cappy had set on the top of the counter.

"You guys are all going about this in the wrong way!" Pashmina explained to them. "Show Pretzel a little love. She went up to the now very wet Pretzel and patted him on the back. "So, Pretzel, tell me about yourself."

Pretzel perked up quickly. He answered is his usual half brain dead voice. _"Well, my full name is Pretzel Oregano Teriyaki and I collect marshmallows, especially the big white fluffy ones but I also like the tiny pink ones that you can put in the microwave and they blow up, I wonder if a puppy would blow up if you put it into the microwave, anyway, my favorite color is olive green, well, not the really olivy olive green, just the pale-ish sorta olivy color and I like things that are squishy like the pond gunk at the bottom of the lake, I love to throw that pond gunk, but this one time, I threw it at my mom, and she sent me to my room but I still had some pond gunk in my pocket and I threw it out the window at passing cars, and my favorite word is typo because it's so fun to say, typo, typo, typo, it kinda sounds like a breakfast cereal, I like cereal, it's crunchy and yummy and I'm wearing sparkly yellow socks and I have a spider named Nami in my sock right now! _

He held out a small hairy spider. All the girls shrieked and leaped onto the counter top.

"Anything else?" Stan asked, sarcastically.

"_Oh yeah, I like blueberry pie!"_ Pretzel finished.He was just about to go on when Cappy screamed.

"Ahhh! My hat, my hat! It's alive!" Cappy yelled. Sure enough, his hat had leaped off the counter and onto the floor, where it started to scuttle about, forcing all the hams to leap up as it went past. Everyone except Maxwell, who was to smart to believe that a hat could be alive. He pulled the hat off, to reveal Nami, hiding under the hat.

"GRRRRRRR!" Yelled Sandy, she flung herself across the room and landed right on Pretzel. She grabbed her tail ribbon and tied Pretzel to a leg of the table.

" _Is this another game? I like games, especially hide and seek, this one time, I was playing hide and seek with my sister and I hid in the toilet and nobody found me, but then I got stuck and I then dad came in with the paper and…_ But none of the hams had bothered to stay around to hear Pretzel rant.

"What are we going to do about him?" whispered Dexter In the other room. Distant echoes of "_teacup, teacup, TEACUP!" _could be heard from the kitchen.

"I don't know," Sandy said "but my tail ribbon isn't that strong."

"Help has arrived!" Panda yelled, springing into the room and holding out various items such as Ham-Wonder staples and Super Stick Glue. The hams cheered.

"Oh Pretzel," called Dexter "we have a game for you."

"_I like games." _Pretzel muttered, happily.

Hey y'all! Tell me what ya think and tell your friends! I'm trying to get at least 4 good reviews so spread the news!


	3. Attack of the cats

Chapter 3: Attack of the Cats

Having just been stuck to the wall with every type of adhesive known to hamster, you'd expect that Pretzel would be crying for help. Having added the concept that Pretzel had the brain of a small zucchini, you might find that Pretzel was not calling for rescue, but was attempting to see through Cappy's hat with his "x-ray vision."

"_Pretzel sees your brain, Cappy!"_ He called.

"What an idiot." Cappy muttered. The hams had finally enjoyed a night of Pretzel free sleep, but breakfast however, being so that the kitchen was where Pretzel had been tacked, made eating their scrambled seeds and carrot cake considerably less enjoyable. The hams were just discussing how they could possibly tape his mouth shut, when a small white letter flew in from the window. The envelope was sealed with a large, black letter C, the mark of the cats. Several hams exchanged frightened looks. They stared at the letter for a few moments, until Boss tore it open with trembling paws. He read out loud…

_Dear hamsters,_

_After considerable annoyances from the one you call Pretzel, _(the hams glared at Pretzel who merely winked back) _the society for cats around the town or S.C.A.T., have decided to wage war on you pestilent rodents. We will attack at dusk tonight so be prepared, not that it will save you. We expect you to fight back; it will make it a lot for fun for us. Be ready. Signed, General Whiskers, S.C.A.T. Leader and Main Advisor._

The hams shuddered. They erupted into a chorus of worries.

"What are we going to do!" yelled Pashmina.

"I don't want to fight!" Cappy shouted.

"Oakwee!" Penelope screamed.

"Penelope's right!" Sandy called.

"We need a plan!" Dexter said.

"Head on attack!" suggested Howdy.

"QUIET!" Boss screamed. "Dex is right, we need a plan!" Dexter smirked. "Anyham who has an idea, raise your paw now!" Pretzel raised his paw.

"Yes, Pretzel?" Boss said impatiently.

"_Okay, so we get Jack and Jill to go up, like, this gnarly hill, and we, like, tell them to fetch a radical pail of water. But if Jack, like, falls down and totally trashes his crown, then Jill will have to like, go tumbling after, and then we lose."_

The hams stared at him in confusion. "Does anyone have an idea that doesn't have to do with nursery rhymes?" Boss asked. Pretzel raised his paw.

"What?"

"_I like blueberry pie!"_

"Very nice" Boss said. "Anyone else?" Hamtaro raised his paw.

"Why don't we give everyone a part to do; we'll work together!"

"Great idea, Hamtaro!" Boss answered. "Howdy, Dexter, remember that energy seed shake you made for the ham-fair last year?" They nodded. "You guys need to make up a huge batch to keep us alert and energized!" Dexter and Howdy scurried off into the kitchen. "Maxwell, I need you to create that super stink bomb you made for the science fair."

"On it, chief!" Maxwell ran to his studies.

"Panda, Cappy, Oxnard, pour glue into balloons and toss them on the cats!"

"Got it!" They cried in Harmony.

"Ladies, I want you to make shields and armor." Boss cried.

"Yes, sir!" The girls called back.

"The rest of you will be coming with me in a head on attack! Now get to work!" The hams scampered off in many directions.

"_What does Pretzel do?"_ Pretzel asked.

"Uhhh, you be the distraction." Boss said, walking out. Pretzel cheered.

Dusk came and you could not say that the hams had prepared lightly. Piles of stink bombs and glue filled balloons were stacked on the roof, ready to be thrown. Several bottles of energy drink had been stored in the kitchen. Everyham was coated in a thick layer of aluminum foil armor. They were ready.

"MEOW!" a cry was heard from outside the clubhouse. It was time. The hams scurried to their positions.

"ATTACK!" Boss cried from the roofs. All the hams had a swig of seed juice before going out. The rooftop guard pelted the cats with glue bombs. A few of the cats halted, their tails stuck to a tree, but most just leaped out of the way. The stink bombs were hurled. The stench got in some of the cat's eyes, but most shook it off and continued on.

"YAHHHH!" Boss shouted. He and his head on team jumped down from the roofs and landed right onto the back of a very angry feline. A huddle of cats jumped onto the cat's back and swatted at the hams, but Boss and the gang dodged every swipe and leaped onto another cat. Suddenly, a huge black cat took a particularly fierce swipe at Boss, and hit. Boss tumbled off the cat; a large gash appeared in his side. Bijou and Sandy scurried to help him. The cat plunged his paw into the clubhouse and pulled out Pretzel.

"_Hi kitty, I like kitties, I used to have a kitty but it tried to eat me, he was a very bad kitty witty, yes he was, why are you attacking our clubhouse, I like this clubhouse very much so please don't hurt it, If you leave it I'll send you a muffin basket, with cranberry and poppy seed and oat and wheat and bran and banana nut and blueberry, I like blueberry especially blueberry pie, why are they even called blueberries, they're more purple than blue, well really a violet blue so I guess you can call them violet blueberries but that would be waaaay too long so I guess that's why they shortened it, it does sound better, what's your name, I'm pretzel, you look like a Mr. Fuzzy Pants, is that your name, you have a long tail, I just have a teeny weenie little hammy tail like all hamsters do because I am a hamster, and you are a cat, at least I think you are because you can't be a hamster because you'd be a silly looking hamster and you wouldn't fit in the club house and…"_

"That's it!" The cat yelled. "I surrender! He's too crazy! Retreat!" The cats slunk back, their paws behind their ears."

"You did it Pretzel!" Pashmina yelled, carting Pretzel back into the kitchen.

"_Does this mean Pretzel gets to come down?" _Pretzel asked.

"No!" called the ham hams and they taped him on the wall again.

Hey guys! Hoped ya liked this chapter! More to come soon. When you review, tell me your 3 fave ham hams and why u luv em! I.e.: Oxnard is #1 because he's fat like my dog and grey like my cat. Jingle is #2 cause he's a musician/poet like me! And Snoozer is #3 cause he's tired but never ignores a ham in need! This info will be used for later chapters. I need a lot of opinions so tell your friends!


	4. Penelope, my sweet

Chapter 4: Penelope, my sweet

"_Where you going?" _Pretzel had caught the hams trying to sneak outside. Pashmina took over.

"We were going to buy a birthday present for Maxwell before he wakes up." She said, deciding to tell the truth.

"_Pretzel wants to come shopping with pals." _He exclaimed, attempting to leap off the wall. Pashmina shrugged and started tugging.

"Wow, he's really stuck!" Pashmina struggled. "A little help?" Oxnard and Cappy grabbed her ankles and pulled. Soon, Boss, Bijou, Sandy and Penelope had joined on. Eventually, every ham in the clubhouse (except the sleeping Maxwell and Pretzel who was being pulled) had linked arms and was tugging like mad. Finally, the tape began to crackle. Suddenly, Pretzel broke free and was launched through the air! He crashed into the cabinet with a large thud. Penelope rushed over.

"Oakwee?" which meant "are you ok?"

"_Pretzel is fine as long as he is with you, my love." _Pretzel said, rubbing his head and giving Penelope a dreamy look.

"Oakwee!" Penelope yelled, and she took off and hid behind Pashmina.

On the walk to the ham-mall, Pretzel continued to peep over at Penelope, who was being shielded by Pashmina and Bijou. Jingle was giving Pretzel angry glances. Finally, they arrived at the mall and entered Max's favorite store, Books Brothers. Piles upon piles of books arranged by alphabet, subject and anything else.

"_AHHHH! Learning!"_ Pretzel yelled. _"Shield me, my sweet!" _He called, scampering behind Penelope. Penelope glanced desperately over at Pashmina, who called to him.

"Pretzel, come check out these books on pickles." Pretzel scurried over to the display and started to chew on the display dummy.

"He's the real dummy." Howdy muttered. No one laughed.

The hams left the shop with a book called Ham-Physics a look into the world of Dr. Fuzz.

"Oakwee!" Penelope sighed, which meant "I'm glad that nut job stopped following me!"

"Where is Pretzel?" Pashmina asked. Suddenly a booming voice erupted over the loud speakers.

"_Pretzel would like to take this time to say that he loves Penelope. She is yellow, the color of mustard, I like mustard because it rhymes with custard and I like custard because it is inside donuts and I like donuts for they are round and that rhymes with sound and sound is noise which rhymes with boys and I am a boy and Penelope is a girl and we go together like pasta and onion rings, like ketchup and cats, like, like, like Pretzel and Penelope!"_

Even under her thick yellow blanket, you could tell Penelope was turning the color of an overripe tomato. Pretzel was kicked out of the administration office and the hams were asked to leave the mall.

"Okay, so here's the plan. We leave for china tonight, where we'll wait in the sun until we have really brown tans, and then we grow beards and disguise ourselves as a family of computer technicians/coal miners." Howdy said to the hams at the clubhouse. They had just finished recalling the incident to Maxwell, who sat listening and hugging his new book. Pretzel was once again tacked to the wall, this time with a blanket over his head to make him think it was night. It worked and now the only part of Pretzel they had to hear was him sleeping and snoring, zzzz… I like blueberry pie… zzzz.

The hams knew that they would have to get Pretzel to stop liking Penelope somehow, so they came to the master of fixing all problems, Panda.

"Well, this obsession was probably started with Pretzel's conk on the head. Another equally sized conk should do the trick."

"You mean all we had to do was smack him?" Maxwell asked, scribbling in his notebook.

"Yep" Panda finished. "I'll do the honors." He said, holding out a large sledgehammer.

They took Pretzel down from the wall. He immediately raced to Penelope and started stroking her fur. Penelope shivered and winced. Pashmina saw her and whispered "now, Panda!" Panda snuck up behind Pretzel, but was caught.

"_You try to hurt Penelope, my mustard colored baby!"_ Pretzel yelled. He wrenched the hammer out of Panda's paws and rapidly swung at Panda. It missed by inches. All the hams took a step back. Pretzel dropped the hammer and rushed to Penelope.

"_Sorry for being away so long." _He muttered, and with that he kissed her cheek. Jingle snapped.

"GET AWAY FROM MY PENELOPE!" He screamed, his eyes blazing. Panda was about to give Jingle the hammer, but he didn't need it. Jingle took on mighty swipe, and knocked Pretzel out cold.

"He should be back to normal in a few hours." Panda confirmed. "But we need him to spend the night with someone else. He needs to stay away from Penelope. How about… Stan." Stan winced but nodded.

"Oakwee?" Penelope said to Jingle, which meant "did you really mean that?"

"Yeah, alright I did." Jingle muttered. Penelope kissed his cheek. For the second time tonight, a hamster fainted.

Hey you guys! Don't forget to tell me your favorite 3 hamsters! Review nicely.


	5. Unpretzification

Chapter 5: Unpretzification

Stan had a rough night with Pretzel. From what it sounded like, Pretzel stole the bed and made Stan sleep on the floor.

"_Pillow fight!"_ Pretzel had yelled. Stan cowered under the bed. Pretzel found him a moment later. _"Piggy back!" _He had screamed, and leapt onto Stan's back. Stan shook him off and screamed.

"Now you listen here! This is my room and we go by my rules!" The hams heard Stan shout.

"_No!" _Pretzel yelled.

"Yes!" Stan shouted. They went on with this for about an hour. Finally, Stan snapped. His eyes began to twitch, his tail jerked upward, and he let out a stream of slightly eerie laughter. That was the last the hams had heard of Stan that night. Now as morning approached, the only thing to do was to check for lasting damage. The hams crept out of bed and snuck up to Stan's door. They held a net, just to be safe. Just as they were about to break down the door, Stan and Pretzel erupted. Both seemed to be coated is tooth paste.

"_I'm Pretzel!" _Pretzel called.

"I'm Stan!" Stan sang.

"And together we're…" They yelled together "Best friends forever!" They began skipping around the room yelling "I like blueberry pie!"

"Well, Panda, you can mend a broken bottle, you can cure a lovesick Pretzel, but can you unpretzify a Stan?" Cappy asked Panda. Panda retreated into his room, muttering something about needing supplies… and staples.

"You're pretty I like you." Stan said to Pashmina. Pashmina blushed, but when she realized he was saying that because he was crazy, she sighed and moved on. Pretzel was still drooling over Penelope, but this time it was because she clutched a seed on rye sandwich. Penelope handed it over, seeing it had drool stains all over it. Bijou set up a play pen for them, knowing they'd be lucky to get out.

"We'll never get outta this!" Stan yelled.

"_Let's see if it's easier to open from the outside." _Pretzel muttered. He and Stan unlatched the door and examined it from the outside.

"Nope, it's unbreakable." Stan confirmed. They crawled back into the pen.

"Morons." Muttered Dexter and Howdy together. Panda reentered the room, holding a large bag of tools and a clipboard. He took out a measuring tape and measured Stan and Pretzel. He scribbled something down onto the paper. He tested their reflexes and recorded that too. He did several more tests, including something with a tuna sandwich, at witch Pretzel turned up his nose, but Stan gratefully took a bite. Panda wrote an analysis and releases the hams from the pen. They scurried over to Bijou; each took a pigtail, and pulled. Bijou screamed.

"Sit still or we'll never get the juice out!" Stan said to her. Bijou leapt out of the way and promptly restored her pigtails to normal.

"_Cappy, I drew you a pretty picture, I know it's in here somewhere." _Pretzel muttered. He reached into his ear and pulled out a piano, a shovel, a goldfish, half a steak, a sticky bun and finally, a tightly furled scrap of paper. He handed it to Cappy.

"Please tell me you have a cure!" Cappy murmured to Panda.

"I do, but I warn you, it's a dreadfully long and painful process. There's no guarantee of Stan ever returning. It's a risky and dangerous operation." Panda walked over to Stan (who was sniffing Snoozer) and whacked him over the head with a big stick. Stan instantly returned to normal.

"What'd ya do that for?" he muttered, rubbing his head.

"For a friend in need." Panda responded. And with that, he led the hams out of the room.

Hey gang! Next chappie's the last one unless you give me some ideas! Please review.


	6. The Pie el Driver

Chapter 6: The pie-el driver

The ham hams were enjoying a thoroughly pretzel-free lunch. The only sounds came from their mouths as they chewed, munched and swallowed their seed and cheese sandwiches.

"I can't take the silence!" Boss suddenly yelled, dropping his sandwich, "It's too quiet without the little runt annoying us to death!" Several hams agreed, they would let him out of the closet for the desert that Panda made, ironically, blueberry pie. Panda asked Cappy to get it for him. Cappy found his way into Panda's room. Two pies lay on the floor. Cappy had no idea of which one to choose, but he didn't want to look like an idiot who couldn't find a pie, so he grabbed the one on the left and scurried back.

Pretzel was already sitting at the table and letting loose a steady chant of _"pie pie pie pie". _They decide to serve Pretzel first. Maxwell cut a tiny slice of pie, remembering the last time Pretzel had a sugar rush………...Flashback……………

"Stan, you really shouldn't put so much sugar in your tea." Sandy told him as Stan dumped spoon after spoon of sugar into his cup.

"Yeah, I know, but this tea stuff tastes awful and I don't want to offend Pepper, after all this is her tea party." Stan dropped the spoon and loaded what seemed to be the entire contents of the sugar bowl into his tea. "Much better" Stan said, sipping his tea, which was now more like liquid sugar. Unfortunately, Pretzel had been invited to the party too. They had to tape him into his chair, and he was now begging for some tea.

"_Tea for me, tea for me tea for me." _Pretzel sang.

"That's a very nice potholder, Pepper." Maxwell said. "By the look of the scorch marks, you got it from Italy?"

"_Tea for me, tea for me, tea for me."_

"Yes, I imported it from the Italian swamps of Larmengia." Pepper answered, trying her best to ignore Pretzel.

"_Tea for me, tea for me, tea for me."_

"How can you tell where it's from by the scorch marks, Max?" Dexter asked.

"_Tea for me, tea for me, tea for me." _

"Well it's a very simple process, you just…"

"_TEA FOR ME, TEA FOR ME!"_

"That's it!" Stan screamed at Pretzel. "You want tea? Well here ya go!" Before anyone could stop him, Stan thrust the contents of the tea cup onto Pretzel, leaving him drenched in hot tea, but very pleased. Pretzel licked his soaking paw, and the result was catastrophic.

Pretzel got a weird look in his eyes. He shot up into the air and bounced all around the room, knocking over tables and chairs. The hams tried to hide under the table, but it wasn't long before Pretzel knocked that over too. They cowered in the corner and awaited Pretzel to calm down. Eventually, he slowed and fell, sleeping onto the rug.

………………..End of flashback……………………………

Maxwell handed Pretzel a tiny piece of the pie, which was pulsating, unnoticed by any of the hams. Pretzel scarfed it down in one gulp. He began to tremble. Panda looked at the now throbbing pie and realized instantly what had happened.

"Cappy, you moron! You gave Pretzel the radioactive pie, not the blueberry one!" Panda yelped as Pretzel's stomach began to gurgle.

"Why in ham hell did you make radioactive pie?" Howdy asked.

"To go with the radioactive ice cream." Panda answered. Stan rolled his eyes.

"What's gonna happen to him?" Asked Pashmina as Pretzel swayed.

"Is he gonna grow really big?" Howdy suggested.

"No, he's gonna faint in 3, 2, 1…" Pretzel collapsed onto the floor.

"Now he'll grow really big." continued Panda. Suddenly, Pretzel began to swell. His pea sized paws inflated to baseballs. His tiny ears were now the size of dessert plates. Pretzel had swelled to the size of a watermelon when Panda found the antidote. He tipped the pintsized bottle into Pretzel's throat. (Being careful not to fall in) Pretzel stopped growing, but did not get any smaller.

"He'll be normal sized by tonight. Until then, deal with him." Panda said, climbing into his room.

Pretzel woke up and observed his new point of view. He watched the tiny cowering hamsters beneath him. Suddenly, he began to narrate himself.

"_Born on planet sapphire 7 and raised by a family of Bulgarian space monkeys, I gained incredible super size and strength. I knew my purpose in life, to fight the evils of Dr. Catty and his kitty monsters. I am the Pie-el Driver. _(Pile driver)

"What a moron." thought all the hams at once. Pretzel went off to fight crime or something, so the hams decided to follow him. He entered an ally full of large grey cats. Hamtaro and the gang stayed back, but Pretzel, being as big as the cats, went on ahead.

"_Episode 69 chapter 4, Bye Dr. Catty! I slowly crept up on the cats, then, with lighting fast reflexes, I pounced on an unsuspecting minion. The kitty monster put up a good fight, but he was no match for me! I slammed the rest of the minions against the wall, where they lay motionless. Then I took on Dr. Catty himself. He swiped his mighty paw, but I swiftly dodged it. I took one manly swing, and knocked Dr. Catty right out of the solar system! Victory is mine!"_

Pretzel did not notice that the entire time he was saying this; the hams were pulling him back to the clubhouse. The hams did not notice that Pretzel had shrunk down to his normal size. Pretzel was fine by the time they reached home. Panda was relieved to see that his antidote had worked, but he had uncovered some unfortunate news.

"The, erm, antidote may, um, have a few side effects." Panda told them. Suddenly, Pretzel shrunk down to the size of a raisin.

Sorry for the hang off! Read the next Chappie! Anyone who has suggestions on what Pretzel's sister's name should be, tell me soon! Thanx to captain deoxys, unigator and D. L. lion, who gave me the ideas for this chapter. More ideas would be appreciated. See ya next time!


	7. Pretzel's fic

Sniff… I'm so happy! 40 reviews for 6 chapters! You guys rock! I'm shooting for 50 by the time I finish my story so keep em coming! I want to thank all of u for such great ideas, especially my pal Unigator, who wrote almost daily with ideas! Uni, you rule! I thank you now for any of your ideas I use. And now… Chapter 7!

Chapter 7: Pretzel's fic

Pretzel suddenly has an idea, which was unusual for a ham of such a tiny brain. But, Pretzel was so pleased with his idea that he announced it to everyone!

"_Me write fiction, just like cappyandpashy4ever!"_ He muttered, brightly.

"Nice" Boss said, sarcastically, and not looking up from the newspaper he was chewing on. Pretzel scurried into his room, the closet, and wrote for hours, which was hard, him being the size of a raisin and all. He wrote for so long, he was normal sized by the time he finished. He began to read, though the hams weren't listening.

"_The hams walked along the river, singing their favorite song, titled Lemon Pudding. They loved this song because they loved what Pretzel loved. Pretzel was very popular."_

"No you're not!" Stan yelled. Suddenly, the floor seemed to tip, causing all the hams to tumble into Pretzel's paper.

"Ouch!" Oxnard called, picking himself off the ground and looking around. It looked like the hams had somehow fallen into Pretzel's story! They were, indeed, by a river. The trees were full of lemons. Pretzel's voice boomed out from the sky.

"_Suddenly, the hams heard a disturbance in the woods. Oxnard went to check it out."_

"You can't make me!" Oxnard yelled.

"_Pretzel is narrator, Pretzel makes anything happen he wants to happen. Watch. Then it rained pizza sauce." _Thick, red blobs began to crawl from the sky!

"_Suddenly," _Pretzel continued, _Pretzel's sister, Cinnamon Pie Teriyaki appeared." _A girl-ham who looked just like Pretzel sprung out of the woods. She skipped over to Boss and began sniffing his hat.

"_Can I eat this?" _Cinnamon asked. Boss snatched his hat back.

"_Cinnamon is the queen around here, the hams bowed down to her." _Pretzel said. The hams felt their spines curve. "_Then, Panda fell into the river. Sandy saved him." _Panda floated over to the water, where Sandy forcibly leapt in and rescued him. _"Panda gave Sandy a kiss on the cheek." _Panda kissed Sandy, just as Pretzel said. Maxwell punched Panda, then apologized, remembering that Pretzel was doing this.

"I've got it!" Stan cried. "If Pretzel can narrate, so can we!"

"And then, the paper that Pretzel was reading from ripped and returned all the hams home." Cappy recited. They heard a huge RRRRRRRIIIIIIIPPPPPPP from the sky. The hams waited to be tilted back into reality. Instead, Pretzel fell out of the sky and landed on Pashmina.

"You fools!" Maxwell panicked, flailing his arms like mad. "By ripping the paper that held us in this world, you've upset the balance of the cartoon world!" Indeed, the hams began to hear a faint melody that sounded like a bunch of theme song mashed together!

_It's Hamtaro time!_

_Kushi Kushi Diggie Diggie Woo!_

_Hamtaro!_

_Na na na na _

_Batman! Batman!_

_Scooby dooby doo_

_Where are you?_

_Ya ya ya ya ya_

_Ooh la la la_

_Batman! Batman!_

_I know you'll catch that villain!_

Scooby doo and Batman appeared out of nowhere. Pretzel and Cinnamon were dancing around them yelling "I like blueberry pie!" Maxwell was cowering in a corner, muttering about scientific theories and virtually impossible. Suddenly, the ground shook. A huge figure appeared beyond the trees, which turned out to be a giant Spat! Spat lifted all the hams into the air, and, smiling evilly, threw them down his throat! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The hams opened their eyes. They were laying on the kitchen floor.

"Was that a dream?" Pashy asked

"You wish" Said Jingle, Pointing to Pretzel and Cinnamon, who were pulling on Maxwell's ears.

"Another idiot, great." Cappy muttered, darkly.

Well, what didja think? Now that there's a new ham, i'm open to new ideas! I'm expecting some great ones from my pal Unigator!

_"Remember, kids, Pretzel likes it when you review!"_

Stop it Pretzy, ur gonna scare my reviewers away! (conks Pretzel with welding iron) Please review! (no matter what Pretzel says)


	8. Principle Pretzel

Hey, peeps! I am sooooooooo happy! 53 reviews and I haven't even finished the story yet! If I keep getting ideas, this could go on quite a while.

"_Yeah! Pretzel can stay longer if you review more!"_

Pretzy! Now people won't want to review! Sigh… let's just move on. (oh, and a note to captain deoxys, yes, Pretzel will be Godzilla sized in this Chappie. But, maybe not exactly as you wanted him to…)

Chapter 8: Principle Pretzel

"_Happy birthday to me!" _Pretzel stormed into the kitchen, knocking into Oxnard and causing him to spill seed juice all over himself.

"We, um, know that, Pretzel!" Cappy said. He looked around at the other hams; their blank expressions were enough to tell him that they had no idea it was Pretzel's birthday either.

"We, erm, got you a very special present." Boss sweated. "Panda, why don't you tell him more about his wonderful present."

Well, err, um, you see…" Panda stuttered. "it's a, erm, present, you know, from, like, all of us at the clubhouse. Yeah! That's it! Pashy'll tell you more"

"You see, Pretzel, we, umm, are giving you a chance to be, erm…"

"Ham-Ham principle for a day!" barked Hamtaro. All the hams sighed in agreement.

"_YEAH YEAH! Pretzel be Boss! Pretzel be Boss!" _The ham's looks of relief were replaced with a look of utmost horror. Pretzel, Boss for a day? AAAAHHHHHHH!

"You moron, Hamtaro!" Boss called, waiting for Pretzel to finish his cake. (which looked suspiciously like a seed that had been painted)

"Guys, just deal with it. What's done is done." Sandy uttered.

"You won't feel that way after you hear his first order." Jingle mumbled, darkly, "He wants us to dress up like ducks and let him ride us." Cappy's eye twitched.

Twenty minutes later, the hams looked around at the feathery mess that stood before them. Coated in feathers and bills taped onto their mouths, this was truly the most disgracing scene in the hamster's furry lives.

"_Alright! Who's gonna let me ride them?" _Nobody spoke. _"Oh, Pretzel gets it! You don't want to be unfair to anybody! Pretzel had idea. If Pretzel grows really big, Pretzel can ride all of you!"_

Panda was to humiliated to argue so he darted into his room, (still wearing a duck suit) and pulled out the radioactive pie. This time, Pretzel ate the whole pie! Pretzel began to quake. His ears enlarged to the size of dinner plates. His paws grew to be kickball sized and his tiny, pea shaped eyes were now as large as baseballs! He was now as large as Ham-zilla, the menacing furry creature only seen in ham theatre!

Pretzel plopped himself down on the ham hams. They squirmed, but could not get out. Eventually, they had to carry him. Even Boss was exhausted. The carried him outside, where he could not hurt the clubhouse. This proved to be a big mistake.

Pretzel decided he wanted to play smash the town with his giant monster claws. The hams had a worried expression on their faces as Pretzel ran off towards the ham-town.

"_URRRRRGWAAA!" _Pretzel yelled, stomping on a cart of seeds. The salesman looked devastated. Pretzel moved on to the bakery. He swiped all of the seed tarts and gulped them down without even swallowing! The town was a mass of chaos now. Hams went flying everywhere; becoming air born due to Pretzel's large stomps. Families were packing up and getting into their hamster wheels.

"What's going on!" yelled one passing civilian. "And why are you in a ducky suit?

"Don't ask." The hams sighed. Eventually, Pretzel shrunk to his normal size. His next order was for a scoop of double chunk chocolate seed ice cream. The ice cream shop was trashed to bits, and the glass cases containing the ice cream were shattered, so Pretzel simply had to sit in the ice cream and eat. He piled scoop after scoop into his mouth, finally going into an ice cream coma.

"He'll wake up in a few hours" Maxwell stated after the hams had dragged Pretzel back to the clubhouse.

"Goodie." Panda uttered.

"_Cinnamon wants ice cream too!" _

"Go to bed!" Cappy yelled.

"_OK" _Cinnamon collapsed on the floor next to her brother. The hams filed out of the room, all except Stan.

"Well…" Stan whispered, pulling out a black sharpie, "as long as they're asleep…"

When Stan left, Pretzel and Cinnamon each had a long, black mustache.

Hey peeps! Review and tell me what you think! Any ideas? Any hamsters you want me to add to the story? Tell me now!


	9. A magical visitor

WOW! You guys have made me so freakin happy! Here's a special chapter to celebrate 60 reviews! It's special because it uses the ideas of several fans (who I don't feel like individually writing thank you notes to)! Captain Deoxys, I will not use the term Godzilla sized, but I will make them really big! This is the last time, I repeat, the last time I will make them really big! Nothing you can do will change that. Enjoy the story! Oh, and Ps, for those who don't know who Prof. Catty is, read Hamtaro Potter by D. L. Lion.

Chapter 9: A magical visitor

After being asked hundreds of times whether or not the fridge had any blueberry pie in it, Boss finally went to Maxwell for help.

"Just make it stop, Max." Boss sobbed. Maxwell looked like he had an incredibly risky idea in his mind.

"Hey Max, you look like you have an incredibly risky idea in your mind."

"Oh, well, yes. I do." Maxwell stated. He invited all the hams into his room.

"So, all who think we need help for Cinnamon and Pretzel, say I." All the hams said I. "Well," Maxwell stated. "It's settled, then. I'm calling for Professor Catty"

"Who's Prof. Catty? Asked all the hams.

"She's an incredibly powerful sorceress. I read about her."

"How do we get her here?" Hamtaro asked.

"She'll need a flying sorcerer!" Howdy joked. Nobody laughed.

"I have an idea!" Cappy broke into a chant. "Pretzel and Cinnamon need some discipline, we need Professor Catty's help, so come here quick, don't make us yelp!" Suddenly, a puff of white smoke appeared in the middle of the room. Once the smoke cleared, it revealed who must have been Prof. Catty, for who else could it be?

"What in ham hell am I doing here?" She coughed.

"Wow, I did not think that would work." Cappy sounded amazed.

"Professor, you have been summoned by us." Maxwell told her, for he alone knew the proper manor in which to address a sorceress. "We would like you to help us sort out two very naughty hams." Maxwell explained about Pretzel and Cinnamon, and their many, shall we say, adventures.

"Alright, I'll help." Catty uttered. "Where are they?" But she was knocked to the ground before she could receive an answer. Two cream colored blurs appeared on her back, leaving Catty face flat on the floor and gasping for air. Maxwell and Boss pulled them off.

"Cough! Are these the delinquents you speak of?" Catty asked.

"Indeed" Maxwell responded.

"You did not include mustaches in your description." Catty pointed.

"Guilty as charged." Stan giggled, holding up the marker.

"Can we get on with this?" Sandy asked, glowering at Stan.

"That crash took a lot out of me." Catty told them "but I'll see what I can do." She placed the two against the wall and drew a long, slender wand. She pointed it at them and cried "delin begano!" Pretzel and Cinnamon began to grow. After five minutes, they were the size of twenty elephants! Or sixty horses! Or two hundred pack mules, seventy very large goats and a chicken! They were really, really big, OK!

What followed was, as you'd expect, a very large and exciting battle scene! However, it was much too violent for a kid's fiction like this. So… insert battle scene here We'll just skip ahead!

Pretzel and Cinnamon had destroyed the entire human world! Broken bits of cars and factories lay strewn across the streets. Rubble and trash was everywhere! Not a soul lay alive in the entire world! But, it was the human world, and from a hamster's point of view, who cares?

"Wow, Pretzel! I can't believe you made the US. Army surrender!" Stan said, patting Pretzel on the back. (he was normal sized now) Sandy glared at Stan.

"Let's try this again." Boss told Catty. She raised her wand. "Perticus cinnamonus!" Pretzel and Cinnamon sprouted huge furry wings.

"Oh, my! I don't know a cure for this spell!" Catty uttered, as they flapped around the room, tackling each other in mid air. Panda seized Catty's wand.

"Wingious falapoiski!" Panda cried. The wings vanished, causing them to tumble down.

"How did you know what spell to use?" Catty asked, after Panda had handed her back her wand.

"Easy, I looked ahead in the script!" Panda held out a large booklet entitled SCRIPT.

"Give that to me!" Boss cried. "We can use it to find out what spell to…" But Pretzel had already eaten it. "Back to the drawing board."

The remaining attempts resulted about as well as you would have thought. The spells resulted in very strange things. Including turning Pretzel and Cinnamon into cheese, (the hams had a hell of a time trying to get them to stop eating themselves) and causing them to speak in high pitched voices, which shattered glass.

"This is the last try!" Catty told them after much begging. "Blubberi piutus!" At first nothing happened, then, the hams heard a rumbling from the closet. Two, hamster sized, horses emerged, both of them made entirely of blueberry pie! Pretzel and Cinnamon leapt onto these horses, who carried them out of the clubhouse and into the sunset.

"Do you think they're gone forever?" asked Oxnard.

"No." Stan answered. It's only a matter of time before they eat those horses."

Prof. Catty disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving the hams with a feeling of disappointment.

"You know what?" Cappy told them. "I'm getting a craving for blueberry pie." Everyone laughed.

Well, tell me watcha think bout my anniversary chapter! I'm only gonna write five more chappies at the most, I gotta have room for new stories. Bye-Q


	10. Dexter's surprise

Almost seventy reviews! I'm so happy! This is my second to last chapter, I have to start new stories! Thanx to all my fans! Unigator, anyone can use my charries if they credit me in the story. You know you have to make an account to write a story, I'm looking forward to reading great stories from you! Well, time for chapter 10!

Chapter 10: Dexter's surprise

Pretzel and Cinnamon stumbled through the door the following morning, considerably plumper and with bits of blueberry and chunks of pie crust dangling from their whiskers.

"They're back, Oxnard! Occupy them!" Boss whispered.

Oxnard stuttered "um, uh."

"I have a suggestion." Dexter said, shooting a proud glance at Pashmina. "Why don't we go to the ice rink?"

"_Ahhh, the ice rink. Birthplace of ice cream."_

"Great idea!" Boss told him. Twenty minutes later, they wound up at the ice rink at Plaza Frontinac.

"_No ice cream? Bye bye!" _Pretzel and Cinnamon start to walk away.

"No! Wait!" cried Boss "You can, uh, play hockey!"

"_Yea! Hockey!" _They run off to get gear.

Dexter snuggled up to Pashmina. "You know, my dear, ice skating is a sport of love."

"Is it now." Pashmina walked away to tie Penelope's skates.

After all the hams were on the ice, except for Pretzy and Cinna, who were tangled in their laces, Dexter moved in the middle with a megaphone.

"Hams and hammettes, please look this way!" Dexter yelled. He pressed a button on a small control. Suddenly, a large ice sculpture dropped from the ceiling. It was a statue of…

"Pashmina!" Howdy howled.

"He's gone too far this time." Pashy stated. Penelope nodded.

"Well, my dear, what do you think?"

"Well, um, it's very…" But she was spared by two cream colored hams, their laces tied together, zooming down the rink, and smashing into the middle of the statue! It broke into a million tiny ice crystals, shattering all over Pretzel and Cinnamon and causing them to run around screaming "_ice cream! Why have you forsaken us!"_

Dexter's eye was twitching violently. He mumbled "wha wha why? How? Who? Twenty…three…days…cold…so cold…"

Boss approached Dexter. "Dex, I'm sorry. I…"

Dexter looked up at Boss with the creepiest smile that ever was. "It's ok, Boss. I just spent twenty three days slaving away on that glistening chance at Pashmina's love, just to see it shattered before my eyes, shattered like my heart. Ha…ha-ha…hahaha…HA…HAHAHA! MWAHAHAH!" Dexter began laughing maniacally. Boss took several steps back.

As the hams were leaving the rink, Howdy came up to Dexter. Howdy looked smug, and failed to look sorry for Dexter. Howdy began "I'm sorry Dex, but you never know what'll happen when…"

"You!" Dexter realized with a pang of understanding "You put them up to this!"

"Aww, me? Naw." Howdy ran to the front of the line, barely concealing a laugh.

"Dexter?" said a sweet, music-like voice. It was Pashmina. Dexter hid his red face.

"You ok, Dex?

"I'm fine."

"Dexter, I…that was really sweet and all, but…" Dexter got the complete wrong idea, and leaned in to kiss Pashmina. Pashmina picked up Penelope and held her in front of Dexter's lips.

"Pew!" Dexter yelled, wiping his mouth. Penelope looked rather disgusted as well.

"Sorry" Pashmina told him. "She jumped into my arms at the wrong, erm, moment."

"So" Dexter winked. "Shall we continue where left off?"

"Sorry, but I have to, umm, feed Penelope!" She sped off.

"Curse those annoying hamsters!" Dexter yelled.

"I have something that might cheer you up!" Stan held out his marker and pointed at Pretzel and Cinnamon. Written directly on their furry rumps, were the words "Kiss my Blueberry"

Dexter smiled. "How did you get close enough to write that?"

Stan looked rather disgusted. "I'd rather not say."

Hey peeps Last chapter after 7 reviews! Please submit ideas for Pretzel's mother's name! See ya! Bye-Q!


	11. ByeBye Pretzel

Well, this is it! The final chapter! Please show me some great reviews! And to all those people out there who read every chapter but never review; this is your chance to raise your voice! I still don't want flamers, though! Anyway, Happy holidays!

Chapter 11: Goodbye Pretzel

The hams could not believe that they had been with Pretzel for an entire month! Sure, it was probably the worst month in their lives but, a whole month, WOW! Pretzel was the only one who actually cared, and he put on a suit and tie for the occasion. Unfortunately, he had also put his fur in several little pigtails, making him look like an overly excited three year old.

"_Pretzel so honored to be the head poncho!"_

"You meant head honcho." Maxwell corrected.

"_No, I meant I like blueberry pie!" _Cinnamon joined him in chanting. Suddenly, a large knock on the door caused all the hams to jump about a mile, except for Pretzy and Cinna, who leapt on top of Maxwell in fright.

"You haven't got anymore siblings, do you, Pretzy?" Boss asked him before he opened the door. After Pretzel told him no, he tipped open the door. A large old woman stood outside, with cream colored fur and a large bandana tied round her neck.

"Hello" said the woman, stepping inside and looking around "I was wondering if you had my Pretzel and Cinnamon, they disappeared a while ago."

"Finally!" Boss shouted. "Here they are mam!"

"My name is…"

"Lemme guess," Stan interrupted. "With your children's names, I'm gonna guess that you're Honey Mustard Teriyaki?"

"Well, yes." The lady told them, as Pretzel and Cinna climbed onto their shoulders. "Have they been good?"

"Well, err, um…" The hams had no idea what to say.

"Pretzel, Cinnamon," she scolded them. "This is the last time I let you two leave the yard without your medicine!" She took out two small pie-shaped pills and plopped them into their mouths. Their expressions changed quickly from crazy and demented to sweet and loving. Pretzel and Cinnamon turned to the ham-hams and spoke quite clearly.

"We're sorry that we were so bad."

"The hams were dumbfounded. All they could do is stare as Mrs. Honey led them by the paws out through the door. Before Pretzel stepped through the doorway, Bijou had a sudden urge.

"Au revoir, Pretzel, goodbye!" She called. Pretzel turned his head, the same crazy expression the hams had grown accustom to on his face, and he spoke to Bijou.

"_Pretzel bye, too._

_Pretzel bye too._

_Bijou goo goo!"_

With that, his face went back to properness, and he crossed the doorway, shutting the door gently behind him.

"What zee ham was zat." Bijou asked the hams.

"I…I think he was saying goodbye to you, Bij." Hamtaro responded.

"You know," Howdy told them "He's grown on me, Pretzel has."

"Yeah," Cappy agreed. "I think I might actually miss them."

"Really?" Sandy asked.

"Nope" Cappy grinned, as the hams entered the kitchen to enjoy, what they hoped would be, a permanent Pretzel free dinner.

Authors Note: Hey guys! Tell me who you love! That's right, Pretzel! Look out for my future fanfics, Fame or Family, (Stan, Sparkle, Pashmina, main charries) Ham-Ham interviews (you'd have to be retarded not to know what that was) and something about Cappy and Pashy that I don't know the title for. Also look for Unigator's Beach house, which I hear is featuring Pretzel! Please read all my other stories, and Happy Holidays! CYA! BYE-Q! PLEASE REVIEW!


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